"Dude youz gotz poopz on your balls again"

Ahhh Father’s Day, a day where hundreds of people on my Facebook lovingly and proudly proclaim that their father, not yours or anyone else’s, is the MOST HARDWORKING AND LOVING MAN THEY KNOW. Then tomorrow they go back to sending Candy Crush requests.  Anyway…

Now that I’ve been a Dad for good (long) 6 weeks, I thought I could muster up a few random observations on how I know life is different now. At least I’ll try to fit some writing in here while Cameron naps and as I contemplate having my third bowl of Golden Grahams.  Did I say Golden Grahams? I have a child now, these are the cheap Essential Everyday brand Honey Graham Crunch from Jewel. Gotta cut costs somewhere.

So some random funny things to share from the last month of fatherhood:

- I got a Home Depot gift card from my in-laws for Father’s Day and I truly was like “Sweet, I’m going to use this”.

- I sprayed the door hinges in our bedroom with WD40 to eliminate the creaky noises.  Believe me, when Cameron is sleeping and we open the doors, to us it sounded like a firework show.

- I mainly manage my fantasy baseball team between 2-3am after Cameron’s first nightly wake up.

- If I encountered breastfeeding a year ago: “Heehee a boobie”.  Now: “You go girl! Breast is best!”

- On multiple occasions I have used my bare hand to block a stream of urine from hitting me.

- I cherish moments between Cam and I during middle of the night diaper changes where I can whisper to him “Dude youz gotz poopz on your balls again”

- Four straight hours of sleep now feels like the equivalent of sleeping in until noon in college. Incredibly Cameron slept 8 straight hours last night, the longest stretch of his lil’ life.  I am still tired right now and I’ve had a venti Americano. 

(Blogger’s note: I’m now literally typing this with one hand while holding Cam in my other arm)

- I am proud my immature self is now unfazed by speaking about nipple shields, breast pumps and nursing pads.

- I do feel bad for working fathers of past generations.  Thanks to texts and snapchat I do get see my son a lot during the workday. Makes me feel like I’m not missing out too much.

Time to head out for some Father’s Day festivities.  Happy Father’s Day to you GOOD Dad’s out there.  Enjoy some #babylamorte to end the post:

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"Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down"

These past nine months felt so long yet it does feel like just yesterday that Ashley & I were in Memphis, revealing to my brother & close friends why Ashley could in fact NOT participate in the round of shots I had just bought for us on the top floor patio of Alfred’s bar overlooking Beale St. The announcement may have been a bit premature, as the news to us was only 3 days old but you can’t really hide not participating in drinking activities for a weekend in Memphis.  I was exhausted just sneaking in sips of Ashley’s beer behind everyone’s back for the 20 minutes we walked around before going up to the bar. So the sooner we revealed the better.  So not how you imagine the very first people to know finding out but makes for a cool lil’ story.

Ashley and I didn’t plan it that way.  Now, I’m not saying at all what we have here is an OOPS.  Absolutely not.  You know the phrase “Are we ready?” gets thrown around a lot when you start discussing having kids. Well, no.  Who is? This would be our first child, I don’t know what to expect, how would I know if I’m ready?  Does anyone ever really just wake up one day and say “welp, I’m satisfied with all I’ve done in life so far, let’s have a baby”?  But we did know it’s something we wanted. We wanted to have that experience, wanted to know what that kind of love that only a parent knows felt like, wanted to be able to watch a lil’ being WE created grow, learn and love. So, were we ready? No.  But this is what we wanted.

Subconsciously after Ashley & I got married I think we started laying the groundwork. We crammed a lot of “you can’t really do this often when you have kids” traveling in the past 2.5 years.  San Diego, Nashville, Paris, Rome, Memphis, Disney World.  As my friend John calls it, we were living the “DINK” life.  Double Income No Kids. It was a nice run.  So by summer 2013, in an unspoken way, took the measures to ensure a pregnancy could happen naturally if it were meant to be. I’ll spare you the other details but it didn’t take long.  By the end of August, nature had prevailed.  

I realize now 9 months is a long time. You have cliche pregnancy things to help you along the way. We had ultrasounds, gender reveal pics, pregnancy pics and baby showers.  And 1,537 people tell us to “sleep now”. *eye roll*  But it’s a whole lot of waiting.  What all the time did do, which maybe nature stretches it out 9 months to be this way, was bring Ashley and I even closer.  When you see your spouse going through all these changes and stay so positive and happy, it gave me a whole new kind of admiration for her. I probably got lucky though, Ashley’s pregnancy didn’t fall in the norm.  We ate healthy and worked out but certainly didn’t complain when a pancake or ice cream craving hit.  She really felt great throughout most of it and bonus for me, her mood was too.  No stereotypical psycho bitch pregnant woman here. Yay. (Blogger’s note: she did have her moments and re-reading this it comes across as a tad bit ass-kissing but really for what? I already married & impregnated her, what good does it do me?)  But because of all that it was kind of hard to tell when our little bundle of joy would be here.  From what you hear the woman starts feeling really uncomfortable, looking worse as the end nears. But if you know Ashley, you know when she hit 9 months there’s a good chance she probably ran 4 miles that day too. Doctor appointments didn’t shed any light either.  The first due date they gave us months ago was May 3rd.  Then it was April 29th. Then it was April 30th. At one point her doctor told her she was “measuring” two weeks early. So to make it easy on ourselves once mid-April hit when people would ask when she’s due, I’d say “any day now”.

April 29th passed.  Nothing.  April 30th passed.  Nothing.  May 1st.  Maybe something.  She think she’s “leaking”.  (TMI? Perhaps, but it’s my blog, you don’t have to read it). Her doctor tells her to come in right away. They check her out, it’s not amniotic fluid, you’re good, go home. Sigh. She feels normal. So we start brainstorming what he could be waiting for. We use this as an excuse to eat.  Maybe he’s waiting for waffles Ashley says.  Ok, we go get waffles. (Blogger’s note: I got a bacon waffle, was awesome)  May 2nd arrives.  Ashley has been dying for some Home Cut Donuts and grabs a dozen for school.  She stops herself after two.  No instantaneous contractions from the donuts. We get home that night and take Dexter for a walk around the block.  Ashley notes she feels a sharp pain for a second or two in her pelvis.  We don’t think much of it.  We go home and get ready to go to the gym (Friday night, big plans).  Ashley starts having some back pain.  Like all of a sudden, doubled over back pain. It goes away. It comes back.  It goes away. It comes back.  We always read contractions start slowly and get worse and usually the stomach hardens during them.  So we weren’t sure what to think but something was brewing. We started timing them and it was all over the place. 2, 3, 4 and 6 minutes apart.  We headed to Silver Cross at 8pm that night.  More waiting.  Waiting for a room, waiting for the nurse to come in and poor poor Ashley…waiting until she could get some pain meds. Her contractions (confirmed at this point) were getting worse and consistently 5 minutes apart. So it was too much WTF-ness when the nurse told Ashley, you’re only dilated 1.5 CM, blaming it on false labor and telling her they’re sending her home.  Ashley literally couldn’t move or speak every 5 minutes and they wanted to send us home?? Ashley thankfully voiced her concerns and pointed out the consistency of her contractions the last 4 HOURS. The nurse said she would speak to the doctor.  We wait.  More pain and no meds for Ashley. Finally the nurse comes in and says “ok the doctor said you could stay and she’ll break your water”.  Well that escalated quickly. 

 We continue a common theme here.  Waiting. At this point it’s well past midnight and Ashley can’t take much more. The nurse finally was able to give her some meds that dulled the pain a bit. They dulled the pain and got Ashley buzzed a bit as I remember her saying out of nowhere “the chocolate chips seemed so real”.  I was actually jealous of her for a split second. Anyway, problem with that medicine was it wore off after about two hours for Ashley and you have to wait 4 hours after taking it for more. I think she was at 3 CM at this point. Oh joy. Ashley fights through another hour before the doctor comes in to break her water. So at the height of her contractions with pain meds wore off, the doctor broke her water.  I felt so bad for her but she was handling it as best she could.  That led to my 4:21 AM tweet. Ashley fought through another hour or so of contractions before it was *heavenly music* epidural time.  I was asked to step out and 15 minutes later I come back to new woman.  Relaxed and pain free. Thank you modern medicine. 

So literally the next 5 hours were calm.  Ashley was having contractions and becoming more dilated, all while in no pain.  My mom and sister came up to check on us and bring me some coffee.  We all kind of just hung out and talked until Ashley had to get checked out by the nurse. 7.5 CM. Progress. At this point the contractions were getting bigger and Ashley, even with the epidural, could notice.  She was in pain again. About an hour passed she was checked again. 9.5 CM. Shit’s about to get real.  The nurse had her push a tad to get her fully dilated. At this point it kind of is like you see in the movies.  A table is rushed in, a couple more nurses appear out of nowhere, instruments and gadgets are turned on and prepared. It’s noon now.  Ashley is at the “holy shit this hurts, I want to push” stage.  The nurse let her know pretty soon she’ll be at the “ring of fire” stage.  Yes just what she wanted to hear.

A few minutes after noon the doctor arrives.  She throws on some gloves and pulls up for work. “Dad, grab this leg.” I obeyed. You know I was a little worried I wouldn’t be able to stomach the birth but in the heat of the moment, you forget all about it. Before I knew it I was part of the team. I knew to watch the monitor for Ashley’s contractions to start to peak so we could all cheer-lead her to push like a mofo. So we had 25 minutes of…deep breath Ashley! Exhale and push! 10, 9, 8, 7 ,6, 5 ,4 ,3, 2, 1. And deep breath Ashley! Exhale and push! You get the picture. Then I could spot his hair, that was cool.  The nurse even asked Ashley, “You want to touch his head?”.  Ashley would have slapped her if she had the energy, she just wanted this lil’ guy out!  Finally a couple more pushes and at 12:34 PM on Saturday May 3rd, 2014…Cameron Patrick Lamorte was here. All 7 lbs 14 ounces and 20.5” of him.  

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It’s been almost a week now and we’re so lucky to have a healthy and happy son and Momma.  Our family and friends have been nothing short of amazing in their love and support.  Cameron is so lucky to have all of you. This next chapter of our lives is going to be the best yet. 

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Wee little Holiday greeting

So Ashley had a couple different ideas for holiday cards she liked and I was able to create this and we sorta think it’s awesome.

Well we could have always gone with the over done Santa hat on the ultrasound, which I did anyway below. 

JT’s Honeydew

Let’s file this under “this is what my life has become”: I just spent the last 15 minutes in my kitchen, shirtless, cutting a honeydew melon while giving Justin Timberlake’s new album a listen. As former Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle would say “Oh it’s true, it’s true, it’s damn true”

“Da fuck you want?”

“Da fuck you want?”